How To Approach Women

Here’s a sample of questions regarding approaching women that we have received from our Shogun Method clients. Need a question answered? Leave a comment below.

How Can I Approach Women At College And After College?

“I joined college in 2008. I am now a sophomore but still haven’t mastered enough bravado to talk to the girl that I like. Each time she comes into view, I find reasons not to go up to her. And if I do get the balls to, I end up getting nervous and cutting the conversation short.

After a couple of failed attempts, I chose to finish college before actually looking for a girl. So I ignored every girl that came to visit my roommates and now, they avoid me, too. I now feel that was the wrong decision.

Do you have several tips for me on how to relax, keep a conversation going and how to go up to women, please?” – Steven M. from Garden City, NY

Derek Rake’s Answer:-

First of all, you have built this girl up for two years now, so there are good chances that your lack of courage and your fear is just a thing in your head. Say hello and take things from there. And keep in mind that you should do what you’re afraid of first, then deal with your courage.

As for closing the conversation, that’s no biggie. Talk for as long as you feel comfortable doing so and once the comfort levels are high, get her number. If you aren’t comfortable doing that just yet, try talking to a lot of women – even strangers. You will come to find that women are generally friendly and getting this particular girl’s number will start to seem easy.

Yes, that was definitely a horrible decision, but we have all made the same one. (I once attempted to make smores in my microwave – with tin foil. A complete disaster.)

Your question actually has two parts to it. On relaxing, look at several breathing exercises and try meditating. Also, start a daily exercise regimen like a daily jog. The added testosterone and oxygen to your system will work like a miracle for relaxation. Alternatively, get on a program like the Alpha Male Activator.

Most importantly, get experience by talking to different women. The more girls you talk to, the easier it will be to relax and the less scary it will be as a whole.

On approaching women, just say hello – nothing fancy. Admittedly, that isn’t the greatest opening in the world, but it will help you talk to women, so it’s definitely much better than nothing. Still, with that said, simplicity is hugely underrated when it comes to making women attracted to you.

How Can I Approach Women On The Streets?

“What would be the greatest focus when it comes to walking down the street, so I can talk to women automatically? I have tried the focus on her contribution in my life and I felt very un-reactive and solid because of it and a little somber, without any motivation to start up conversations. Does this mean anything? And is there any better focus to hold onto?

I already read through Shogun Method yesterday, by the way, and got approach invitations today from attractive girls, which has never happened to me before (seriously) after changing to the focus on ‘no one cares or remembers what I do’. Since nothing seemed very important, I got a bit of a natural swagger going and women began to look at me in a different manner.” – Dalton S. from Chandler, AZ

Derek Rake’s Answer:-

I am happy to hear you got approach invitations. I honestly think that’s a bit technical, though, and would like to think of the whole thing as basic and easy flirting with one another. It really helps to keep things playful and light as a whole, as they should be.

The greatest focus on meeting girls on the streets would be “I wonder why she’s unique?” since you will start thinking actively. You want to find out more about her and you will most likely approach her to ask questions and find out why she is unique..

The “I wonder what her contribution to my life could be” mindset is simply amazing, but you need to put it to use after you’ve begun talking already because you want to shape her with it and change her into a better person for you to be with.

However, as you said, it isn’t exactly the greatest mindset out there to approach women in an active manner. Try “I wonder why she’s unique” instead. You will love it. 🙂

Alternatively, also find out about the Barnum Effect – it will keep a woman interested in you as you progress through the IRAE Model.

How Can I Stay Motivated When Trying To Meet Women?

“Hey Derek, I want to know how I can stay motivated in picking up women every day because I have come to realize that I do well when motivated – I kiss and get phone numbers, etc. However, I do want to keep up my motivation as much as I can.” – James B. from Huntington, NY

Derek Rake’s Answer:-

Motivation is always internal, so what you really need is a change in focus. Here’s a very helpful and cool idea for you: write down every great way a woman can help you in life. List things like buying gifts and sex, so that you stay relaxed when she shows affection. Keep reading this list by the day – once in the morning and once at night. Doing this will:

1. Charge you up to meet more women since you will know what every new girl can offer you once she is in your life.
2. You will have a much easier time with vision and shaping since you’ll already know what you wish to shape in a girl and what she can offer to your overall vision.

With this exercise, you can definitely improve your motivation and help you succeed with women. A win-win situation. 🙂

Alternatively, you can also give hypnosis a go – it will help you both internally (by calming your senses) and externally (you can hypnotize a woman into falling in love with you if you know how).

How Can I Talk To A Girl If Their Mother Is Right There?

“A lot of the time, I see attractive women with members of their family, such as their mother. I want to go up to them, but how can I approach this particular situation? And how do I deal with it if I get rejected in a bad way? Cheers and great stuff!” – William H. from Hardisty, AB

Derek Rake’s Answer:-

I love talking to girls when their moms are there. The secret here is to get the mom to like you and ask her whether she would mind if you talked to her daughter for several minutes. Here is one line that I love to use: “Is this your mother?” “Yes.” “You have great genes.”

This will make it sound like you find the daughter attractive because the mom is attractive, too. It works wonders because if you hit on her mom more, she will get flattered more and will, in turn, be more inclined to let you speak to her daughter.

I just met this girl who keeps talking about her 45-year-old mom’s perky boobs. This makes me want to see her boobs because of her great genes. The dynamic is weird, but it really works. Trust me.

To summarize: approach her normally and talk to the both of them. Flatter and compliment the mom so that she gets to like you. Ask to talk to the daughter for a bit. That’s it. 🙂

Remember, you can use your arsenal of Shogun Method techniques (Barnum Statements, Dark Triad Seduction techniques, Mind Control tactics, etc) on her family also. Of course, this assumes that her mom is not a female psychopath…

I’ve got to warn this about meeting her family though… upon meeting her dad, you may just find out where she inherited her daddy issues. Not pretty.

How Can I Talk To Girls In Quiet Places And What Can I Do During Conversation Lulls?

“I find it hard to start up conversations with girls in quiet places – whenever there’s a cute girl at a quiet library, for example – and even when we’re at the pool and everybody’s around to listen. What’s the rap when it comes to such situations? And when you’re at the grocery, still getting yours while she’s in line? What can I do without scaring her away from the store?” – Thomas T. from Riverside, CA

Derek Rake’s Answer:-

When at the grocery, you’ll have to line up behind her or give her up and blame the circumstance. You could start speaking to her and using the tactics for a direct and regular approach. However, that would drop a huge nuclear bomb. And if you are worried about other people hearing you chat up a girl, you’re practically screwed.

The truth is: the majority of people are self-centered, so they won’t notice if you chat her up. If they do, anyway, who cares? You’re speaking to someone pretty. They’ll either just be jealous or happy for you. If it’s the latter, great. They might even try to help you succeed. If they happen to be jealous, then they’re just hoping to be either one of you.

Take both instances as compliments and don’t worry about approaching her since nobody will stop or judge you if you end up messing things up or not. You had the guts to approach her and people should appreciate that in their subconscious.

I have been doing this for a decade now and have never had anybody approach me about talking to a girl. Anyway, if they had, I would’ve thought they were nuts. So stop worrying. Allow others to hear you and be proud of it. 🙂 She’ll love it and that’s all that matters.

Go for it!

How Can I Talk To Somebody I Work With?

“1. I could talk about this a lot, but I’ll try to summarize it – I meet someone who continually shows interest in me. I sort of avoid reciprocating anything (staying as friends as I do with everybody else). She keeps showing stronger interest, and then, the minute I reciprocate this interest, she back-pedals wildly and the entire interaction simply breaks down from there.

2. Secondly, I have something to ask about relationships with women I work with. I am a waiter at a restaurant and have been for years now while I’m in school and my ultimate maxim is never to date women there. Well, that’s great, but honestly, I have never really worked with anybody I liked in a sexual way until now. There’s this woman who just started working at my restaurant several months back, though, and she is hot. I have also learned that she is fairly smart and a great person, in general – much more mature than her age. She is tough yet nice and has clearly shown interest by flirting with me. I have slowly been reciprocating this.

How can I ask her out and escalate the whole situation smoothly? Naturally, it will be hard to fight my personal expectations and attitudes that tell me ‘if I show any interest, she’ll start giving me the cold shoulder’.” – Alex T. from Rio, IL

Derek Rake’s Answer:-

Whenever you show a lot of interest in a girl who doesn’t show as much of it to you, she will get scared away. However – if you play too much hard-to-get, only to come around afterwards, she will get bored since the chase (and the excitement) will be over. Both of these can be dealt with by adding more sexual tension and intrigue to the mix.

I will definitely talk about both of that in a more detailed manner here, so read on. As for question number two, you have to stick with it. If you swore never to date girls at work, don’t do it. Sticking to your rule will make you look more attractive because you end up developing some kind of sexual energy that women find irresistible.

Now, if you decide to try things out anyway, use my advice above on how to escalate things smoothly.

As for how to ask her out, just suggest some drinks after work. Or anything else that is just as safe.

Keep in mind that girls at work pose one huge problem, though: you will see her the next day, whether you have sex with her or end up blowing things up. And she will let everybody know that you tried to get with her but failed, if that is the case.

So, aside from your regular ways of keeping low pressure dates, you have to make sure this particular date is even more low on pressure. Just some friendly drinks and some sundaes for dessert and a cool movie at your place. Then maybe some cuddling and touching and escalation and sex. 🙂

Basically, you need to give her reasons to go to your house so she has an excuse to give to her friends without looking slutty. It has to appear like it all “just happened”. This will pay off with the girl later on.

Of course, things are a little different if she is already married. Learning how to seduce a married woman at work may be trivial (if you’ve got access to Shogun Method), but there are other social and moral issues to consider: don’t neglect those.

How Do I Eliminate My Approach Anxiety?

“I have finally read your whole Rake Letter. I appear to be too busy sometimes that I forget to set time aside to read these things. I’m happy that I did this time, though, as I now feel like I go into that friend zone too fast. When I go downtown and see gorgeous women, my approach skills seem to be weak. I wouldn’t say I’m horrible-looking. I actually think I could get some pretty women to fall for me, but I never know what to say when approaching them. Sometimes, I get so caught up in how pretty they are. See, I have no trouble talking to average-looking chicks. I just get a mental block because of fear of rejection. Three years ago, I was quite fat and unpopular – does that have something to do with it? I’m not sure why I’m so scared of rejection, though. Heck, I should know all about it. I’m not really worried about taking girls home, but I do want to talk to somebody and go on dates every now and then. If you can help me get rid of this block, I will be forever grateful.” – Kenneth B. from Las Vegas, NV

Derek Rake’s Answer:-

Boy, I completely agree with you. Looking for a few hours to put this particular email together was pretty hard, I must admit. But it is well worth it. That, in itself, is a lesson to be learned: if something is doing you good, find time for it. It can be something like asking a simple question, reading a long email or talking to a gorgeous woman.

Now, it seems that you are anxious because of a poor self-image – a completely different subject.

As for the things to say, this is the easy part. As a matter of fact, you simply have to say: “I saw you there and you really carry yourself well. You appear to be extremely confident and very open to getting to know new people.” Then begin talking about anything else. She’ll love it – trust me. 🙂

How Should I Ask A Girl On A Date?

“Hi, got any advice on asking a girl on a date? I get scared whenever I’m close to asking one out, then another guy ends up beating me to it and I get left all alone.” – Harris C. from Newport, TN

Derek Rake’s Answer:-

That situation is hard. The only reason other guys can beat you is if your opportunity window closes. And after it closes, you will be shut out for good. So, whenever you get a chance to ask for a date, take it!

Provided your timing is right, your words won’t be as important, but there are several rules to follow:

1. Ask her on a cool date, like “There’s an awesome blues place downtown I think you’d like. We should go sometime.”
2. She will agree and you can say, “Great, I’ll call you.”
3. She will agree and you can say, “Alright, what’s your number?”

This works because the steps are gentle, going from “let’s go out” to “what’s your number”. She won’t get scared this way because you’re moving fast. Make sure mini steps are used. They happen to be crucial.

Now you’ve got her number, keep up the momentum – learning how to keep a woman interested is pretty crucial at this point.

What Should I Say After I Approach?

“I’m starting to bag attractive girls nowadays with the help of sexual tension – the majority of which are girls that I have known before – and the exact same thing always happens.

1. I show sexual tension along with a loving vibe and open eyes.

2. I get approached and touched.

3. I return the touches from shoulder to arm and gently yet firmly grab their torso. There’s also always a sort of bubbly energy going on between the two of us..

4. She utters something, like “How are you?” or “Great to see you!”

5. I say hey and reply with a question or sincere compliment about how great she smells, how great her hair is or how nice her tattoo is.

6. They leave with a “See you soon”. ????

What’s going on here? Do I lose attraction because of my compliments or body language? What am I supposed to be doing instead?” – Gary R. from Washington, DC

Derek Rake’s Answer:-

Good job at getting the ladies to come up to you. The truth is: that’s an extremely hard part in the entire process of meeting them (remember the four stages of love) and the majority of men out there never even learn how to do that.

So, I can say that you’re doing extremely well if they’re approaching you. Plus, they utter the first words to you, which goes to show that they are instantly interested in you.

Now, because I don’t really know what you say, it might be hard to pinpoint where the problem really lies. However, it probably has to do with the manner or the words that you say when giving out your compliments.

Keep in mind that a compliment has to be genuine – something that you say without wanting anything in return. If not, she will realize this and just turn you down in an instant.

I really need more details if you want more help since early on in any interaction, you would need some very, very creepy body language in order to turn a woman off, so I doubt that is what’s going on with you.

Remember: sometimes it’s not your fault at all, and there’s nothing you can do. This is particularly true with emotionally unavailable women.

How Can I Completely Eliminate My Approach Anxiety?

“I’m taken right now but don’t see myself as being great with women. My relationship right now is good but if we break up, I think I’d have problems meeting other women.

Here’s my story. I’m 24 and socially awkward with other people – always have been. I haven’t been social – ever. It’s a natural thing with me. For several years, I’ve been hoping to break out of that to no success. When I found the community, I thought I had my answer. Now, after researching some material, I found out I have approach anxiety. Whenever I want to approach somebody,

I feel like I wouldn’t know the words to say. I feel like this fear is stopping me from reaching my goals. These goals include things like getting good with women and more. It’s like I’m scared of experiencing life because I suck at interacting with people.” – Stephen K. from Rosston, AR

Derek Rake’s Answer:-

You are thinking well. Very proactive. The majority of taken men out there don’t realize that they need to strengthen their skills up until the end of their honeymoons. By then, it’s already too late. So, congratulations for realizing you need to sharpen your skills.

Now, to eliminate your approach anxiety, you need to look at your focus. Focus on how scary women are or never knowing what words to say to them makes you anxious at the thought of approaching women. Not all of them are female sociopaths! Instead, focus on becoming curious about them. Focus on what women can offer you.

See, once you have a positive, curious and sexual focus, your body will, in turn, feel positive, curious and sexual, too. If you keep having a shit focus, your body will feel like shit, too. So change your focus.

“Gym Seduction With The Shogun Method.”

Hi Derek,
I just got ur program and I like it. I saw a girl at the gym I felt a deep attraction for. She also felt my attraction and pursued me to the exit. It was raining so I started to talk. I talked about the rain and about how we were both going to get wet. I then told her to have a nice day and she responded really sweetly by telling me to do the same. I then left. I have not seen her since at the Gym in about 2 weeks. That was the only time I saw her. Maybe she goes at night. Can u advise me on what to do if I see her again? Maybe I will start to go at different times. I did not even ask her name or contact information. I assumed I will see her again and then I will ask. I did not want to appear desperate or needy. If I see her should I ask for her phone # or email or ask her to go have coffee or just talk to her at the Gym. Thanks. – John Garcia (via email)

Derek Rake’s Answer:-

John – I’d expect that you have gone through the Shogun Method, and will, therefore, refer to the concepts in the Method when I coach you.

First off, you need to generate Intrigue in order to capture her attention. This is important as it will give you the foundations to build Rapport and then subsequently Attraction. See the IRAE Model – but many of these concepts will seem to be premature to you. I’d suggest that you work on Intrigue first before anything – follow the Shogun Method sequentially (the IRAE Model). Go through the Intrigue module first, and possibly also Fractionation. Ignore anything else at this moment.