“I have been involved with this girl for around four or five months now. We met at a party and I thought she was attractive. I saw her again at another party where we held hands although her boyfriend was nearby – nothing more.
When I got back home – those attraction feelings still inside me – I began to read up on material about seduction. I never actually told her about my feelings, but I did want to spend more time with her. Since she lives overseas, I found an upcoming show that I wanted to attend, flew over there, stayed at her house while her boyfriend was away and made out (didn’t have sex). When I got back, I felt even more and the feelings were deeper. One night, we confessed our feelings to each other – that we missed one another a ton and might be falling for each other. The next morning, I felt empty.
Several weeks later, she came to visit. She cried buckets when it was time to go back home and I cried a bit, too. Was relieved, but got very hooked. A few weeks later, I surprised her again and we stayed in hotels because her boyfriend was back. I flew back and the few months after that were like hell. I was depressed and needy and very confused.
I decided to fly back to figure out what was going on with us and I could tell from the very first night that she still felt something for me. As far as I can tell, her boyfriend situation is the problem. When I flew back, I was a little relieved that I got some closure. The next morning, I got some messages from her stating how much she missed me – that it hurt.
A week later, I call and make a few jokes before bringing the subject up. ‘So this is why you decided to call’? she asked. Then my insides said ‘Hold on, I’m done with this’. So I sent her a message that said there were too many ‘I don’t know’s’ between us and that I was sick of it. We texted each other a lot after that and she said sorry for being so complicated and asked what I would do if she broke up with her boyfriend. Kept it very cool.
Several days later, she texts ‘This is going to sound dumb but I really miss you’. I let her know that she was on my mind, too. After the weekend, I got two messages ‘I had no idea I liked you this much’ and ‘I have trouble not thinking about you and missing you’. Texted to let her know I was thinking and dreaming about her.
She’s a nice girl – hot and intelligent, too. I have no idea if she’s my ‘soulmate’ and if I’ll be living with her forever, but I can tell you she’s really special. I try not to get my hopes up. I try to forget the excitement and tension, the release and relief of confessions, but I need some buildup. Sometimes, I feel bad that I might be hurting her emotionally my withdrawing from her because the whole thing wears me out.
However, I think the answer lies in there somewhere. I can guiltlessly sleep with various other women and wonder whether she’s sleeping with other dudes. Then I come to realize that she didn’t need to ask to get back together with that boyfriend of hers.
I’m thinking: is it really true that we’ve got to be funny, cocky, and emotionally controlling to keep a relationship? Can the excitement actually be sustained all throughout? Does balance ever strike? True love might sound corny, but it sure sounds appealing to me. Love comes with risks. Neediness stems from someplace, so seduction is a guideline to becoming a better person.
It’s so difficult, though. Sacrificing former beliefs and thoughts for brand new things we aren’t really sure of. It has made me a more confident, stronger and better person in that I never really had anything like what I have with this girl. From an early stage, I knew it was real, but didn’t want to take risks, so I read some material. The minute I allowed my real self to enter the picture, things changed. Sometimes, it’s a real hassle to stay closed up, but I’m happy that I stayed that way. It would have been less satisfying staying in control. I had to tell her and see how she felt. I’m still figuring things out, though. Is real love just a fantasy? Is our only option to push and pull a boring and dull relationship, where excitement comes from dating other people? Does full and complete trust actually exist? Does comfort exist when excitement is in the cards, too?
Anyway, thanks for all of this. Again, I’d rather stay anonymous, but do feel free to answer my questions if you want.” – Anonymous from Portage, WI
Derek Rake’s Answer:-
You have a huge question and a very long story, but I have felt exactly like this before and I have wondered the same things. So I’m pretty sure several dozen men will find your thoughts useful. Let’s look at those real questions now:
“Why are my feelings for her stronger than hers for me?” and “Can love exist if you are meeting and dating a ton of other women?” Here are the answers, one by one:
Firstly, your feelings are stronger because you have invested so much more of your time than she invested on you. This is known as compliance. And since you were always listening to her whenever she needed someone to listen and since you flew over to see her, you have fallen deep into her circle of compliance.
Secondly, love plays a massive part in meeting women. It just needs to be earned. A ton of guys get this feeling inside – the general “love” for women. This usually happens because they don’t have a lot of it in their lives.
So, whenever you find girls who are interested in you and seem perfect, you will feel this feeling come up and call it love. Love is an honest feeling and, truthfully, you aren’t far off. Your only problem is that the other women that you see don’t compare, which makes her appear to be better than anybody else. This makes it easy for you to love her and like her a lot.
The solution to this would be to meet other women and keep your perspectives sharp. Only let those honest feelings out once you actually find yourself in a relationship, rather than before being in one. Too much at once will only scare the girl off. Plus, you might say things that you’ll regret later on and you won’t be able to take them back.
So, sure, there is a place for real and honest sharing of feelings with women, but it’ll only come much later – probably a few months after the two of you start dating exclusively.
It may sound like too much now, but trust me, after you start dating several girls, you will come to see that relationships pan out that way naturally. You always have to date several girls at once before deciding which one to be exclusive with.
There are a million benefits to this and not a single drawback. Whether you end up cheating during your “exclusive” relationship or whether you end up pushing for an open one or even whether you end up choosing to truly stay with that one girl, it will your personal choice, so you can decide that yourself. 🙂
However, unless you date several women in the beginning, dating a single girl for a long time will drain out your feelings.